A year in [pre]view

I write this as a nurse a mouth burned by ginger tea as the large Yeti mug has betrayed me. I drink the tea because my pneumonia cough has returned, and possibly the pneumonia. But we’ll see in a few days I suppose.

I miss the days when the yearly glasses made sense, but I appreciate this random person’s attempt to make the situation humorous. Image shamelessly stolen from this reddit thread.

I keep seeing posts that review peoples’ years: skills gained, books read, things done, etc. I don’t think that sort of post works here because…you basically know what I’ve been doing this year. I should say that I’m proud of what I’ve accomplished this year. I’ve taken pressure off myself to make healing my priority, to make treatment the number one goal. And if you read my last post, you’ll know that the goal is closer than I may honestly have expected. My cognition has pretty well returned, along with the creeping feeling that I’m not doing “enough” right now as I wait for the re-scan.

That was a feeling I definitely did not miss. I would be quite happy if it was just popping its head up to say “heyo, remember me?” I think that’s probably not the case. I would like to say that it’s a goal of this new year to learn how to listen to and then ignore this voice.

However, I’m not setting any goals yet for this year. Or, I should say, I’m not making any resolutions bound by the normal calendar. Partly this is because I’m still bound to a world of tentativeness. I may say, “I’m going to read a book every few weeks,” and then I might learn that I need additional, intensive treatment that will rob me of the ability to do much of anything.

Rather, I want to continue to cultivate virtue. This might sound somewhat crazy. It might sound obvious; or, it might sound old-fashioned. But I think I’m convinced, partly after reading Wilhite and Ford’s Ancient Wisdom for the Care of Souls earlier this year, that my development as a Christian human has been somewhat sidelined by more nuanced, siloed attempts at development: as a reader, as an interpreter, as a writer, as a preacher, as a caregiver (and receiver). I think it is hard to see long-lasting change in any of these skills, behaviours, or dispositions without also attenuating the effect the world around me has on my personhood.

"Tree of Virtues" from Speculum Virginum, Walters Art Museum Ms. W.72, fol. 26r. Early 13th century manuscript from the Cistercian abbey of Himmerode, Germany.

As I see it, this means considering how the “Christian” virtues (faith, hope, love) intersect with the “classical” virtues (prudence, justice, fortitude, and temperance) in the development of the fruits of the Spirit (you probably know this list). I’m not setting this year up to be a checklist or inventory ledger that I can knock things off of as I “accomplish” them, because that’s not how any of this works. I mainly want to develop an awareness of their presence or absence in how I live my life, for the sake of myself, my spouse, my son, and everyone who I ought to consider my neighbour.

It would be really rad if this led to me exercising more, or losing weight, or reading more books; but these are more sort of “side quests” than the main thing. You either accomplish those things or don’t. I’m not interested in lugging around that kind of quantitative baggage. If I am, indeed, crawling out of a cave of misery back into the light of Normal Human Activity, this seems the best way to live my life—however much of it remains.

Happy New Year.